I'm Knitting As Fast As I Can

And in the case of Death By Cables, that's not very fast. It's not the knitting that's slowing me down, so much as following the charts and making sure I'm not knitting row two of chart one with row 12 of chart two (because that would be bad), and repeating chart one every two rows, chart two every 4 rows, chart three every 10 rows, and chart four every 46 rows, and now that I've hit "shape the shoulders by decreasing one stitch every other row 10 times and then one stitch every fourth row 31 times and at the same time shape the neck by decreasing on stitch at each neck edge every fourth row 13 times then decrease one stitch every other row 22 times", in addition to maintaining the four (yes, there are four, not three, as previously reported, and that doesn't include the reversing of three of the charts for the second half of each row) different charts and keeping my row count for the front the same as for the back, and, well, I did four rows during the Oscars. I need a spreadsheet. Except that I suck at Excel, and there is no way that could possibly lead to a better outcome, unless by "better outcome" we are talking about me sucking down vodka martinis and while simultaneously sobbing over my computer and swearing at my knitting.

Allow me to make clear, however, that this is not Kathy Zimmerman's fault. She is obviously a knitting genius of the highest order, and I can only bow down in reverence to the mind that is not only able to execute this sort of complexity without resorting to illicit drugs, but that actually conjured the damned...er, darned...thing out of thin air in the first place.

You know, of course, that if this thing doesn't fit when I'm done, there won't be enough chocolate in the world to make it better.