Monday, December 3, 2007

How Not to Get a Good Night's Sleep


I love to sleep. I need to sleep. I crave sleep. Even as a toddler, I had to be dragged out of bed every morning by my older sister, whose job it was to make my bed before she went to school. When I got older, my father would wake us all at an ungodly hour and keep coming back until we got up, so I cleared out my closet and installed a sleeping bag in the bottom. After he came in the first time, I would crawl into the closet and close the door. He'd come back, see the empty bed, and assume I was up and about somewhere. In college, I would warn my new roommates not to wake me for any reason short of natural disaster. I am not a nice person when awakened out of a sound sleep. I barely survived the baby years. It's all a blurry fog of sleep deprivation and midnight diaper-changes and nursing six times a night. Now that I make my own bed, my father lives across town, I don't have roommates, and my kids are old enough to pour their own cereal, I am very protective of my sleeping time. So when my husband woke me at 2am and said, "You're not going to be happy about this," I was pretty sure he was right.

Sophie wet the bed.

This would be bad enough if Sophie were a toddler with a leaky diaper. Unfortunately, Sophie is a 110 pound Newfoundland dog with a bladder the size of a tanker truck. And she had a lot to drink before she went to bed. In our bed. Between the two of us. After she had already wet her own bed. 2am is not the time to discover that your Newfoundland has an incontinence problem--trust me on this.

For a few, sleep-hazed moments, I considered just going back to sleep with the idea of hanging onto the edge so I wouldn't roll into the small lake in the center of the bed. Propped up on an elbow, starting blearily at the bed, I reluctantly accepted the fact that I would, at some point, want to turn over, and that landing in a pool of cold dog pee probably wouldn't make me any happier.

I got up and surveyed the extent of the damage. She was sleeping on the dog blanket that I drape over the bed every night to protect it from dirty paws and shed hair. Although it works fine for this purpose, it was not up to the task she put it to last night. The leak soaked through the dog blanket, through the top of the duvet cover, through the down comforter, through the bottom of the duvet cover, through the top sheet, through the bottom sheet, through the mattress pad, and into the mattress. In other words, every item of bedding, as well as the mattress, was soaked. Even in my semi-conscious state, it was obvious that everything would need to be washed. And since I just washed every single piece of bedding on the bed last week, I know that, even with my "canyon capacity" washer, it takes four loads to wash it all. There was no way we were sleeping in that bed for at least a day.

Fortunately, we have a guest room with a queen sized bed and clean bedding. We stripped the bed, sprayed the mattress liberally with Nature's Miracle, threw in the first of many loads of laundry, and stumbled into the guest room. After a little fussing and adjusting, we got ourselves settled in what used to be our bed. We slept in that bed for more than eight years. But you know, it seems to have shrunk. Every time either of us moved, the other woke up. I got an elbow in the ear and once awoke just as I was falling (or being shoved) out of bed. My husband complained that I "socked" him and that I was "flopping around like a sick mackerel." I don't think he found it endearing.

I finally gave up on the sleeping idea at 6:30 this morning, when Sophie leapt up onto the bed, with the clear intention of going back to sleep herself, and landed squarely on my bladder. I staggered down the stairs, mainlined some coffee, and got to work.

Dogs. You've gotta love 'em.

18 comments:

Kim said...

Aaww, that sucks! But look at Sophie's adorable face. She looks suitably remorseful.

melissaknits said...

Ick. I am so glad that we don't let them on the bed. Well, Kioshi could get on the bed but preferred her crate so never slept with us, and Owen can't get on the bed without help which I don't offer (cruel mother that I am). I just said last night that NextDog was going to be little and snuggly and sleep between our legs. You've totally cured me of the thought.

Tammy said...

I will now stop complaining about the headache that kept me awake all night.

knottykitty said...

Poor you, and poor puppy! I'm sure she was so ashamed. We do love our pets so, don't we? I've had similar (but not the same!) experiences with my crews of minions, past and present. Just wish Sophie could have had her little "accident" closer to wake-up time! Hope you get some sleep tonight.

Bea said...

Ay yay yay! Poor you, I've woken up to a wet bed since Robby has the occasional diaper leak and it is NO fun, I can't imagine how bad it was with a huge dog :P I hope you get lots of sleep tonight!

Maureen said...

Oh my - gives new meaning to "I don't like Mondays". Hope all the washing got done, the Nature's Miracle did its miraculous work and Sophie comes to bed with an empty bladder from now on.

marit said...

I knew there was a reason I leave my cats outside at night...(and we don't have a dog)
Have a good night's rest!

sophanne said...

Poor Sophie-girl. Poor sleep deprived haze.

Liza Jane just has little puddles and I don't think there is any shame or remorse associated with them yet.

That also explains why dear husband doesn't want her in the bedroom.

janet said...

And I thougth it was a problem dealing with Jack peeing on the carpet. Hope you can find black diapers in extra large.

The_Add_Knitter said...

A sick mackerel? That's a good one...

Haley said...

poor sophie. hope she's feeling better. my two dogs both sleep in bed with us and usually at least one of them is under the covers. pauli once threw up under the covers on my husband's legs. it was a pretty unpleasant way to wake up. enjoyed reading all your recent posts. you have a great sense of humor and i love how you descibe the ups and downs of life.

Sarah said...

I am grinning ear-to-ear. Very glad that I am not the only one. Also very glad our Abbey (Standard Schnauzer) sleeps on the floor.

Viktoria said...

i feel your pain. sleep is sacred! I have a few days a week when I have to get up at 5:30am... it's like death.

Angelika said...

I feel for you. I hate getting up in the middle of the night, because I have problems going back to sleep, since it's only me in there. But I don't envy you on that experience. Thanks for the vivid pictures and the comparison of your husband just made me laugh. Hope tonight is better and you have your bed and your space back.

Dr. Steph said...

Oh my. Good thing she's cute.

And TAG! You're it. Dets. on my blog.

Sunflowerfairy said...

EEEWWWWW! This is reason number 1201 why I can not own pets. I would have shoved the dog outside and it would have lived the rest of its life out there. Ew.

I, too, am very posessive of my sleep. Although, with a 2 year old and a snoring horn aka husband, next to my ear it's tough to get enough sleep.

Just think of how good you're going to sleep tonight. :)

Sarah said...

Oh no! That really sucks. I'm sure she was very sheepish about her accident!

Kristin said...

The next time Ken thrashes in bed he's getting the sick mackerel comment. Though, what's the likelihood I'll remember it in the middle of the night?