Thursday, August 9, 2007

An Open Letter

Dear Mr. Spider,

I am writing to express my sincere apologies for my deplorable behavior of last night. The altercation was entirely my fault. The whole unfortunate incident could have been avoided had I not carelessly--recklessly--failed to notice you and your lovely web hanging from the shower head. It must have been quite a shock for you, being awakened from your nap so rudely by my head crashing through your web. You were well within your rights to scamper across my face and down my back to escape my unwelcome attentions. I am certain that little detour down the crack of my rear was completely unintentional.

There was surely no cause for all that dancing and screaming. I am truly sorry to have interfered with your quiet enjoyment of the beautiful evening. I overreacted. It is perfectly understandable that you mistakenly ran up my leg to get out of that puddle. I am sorry I kicked so hard. I did not intend you any harm, and at least you did end up on that dry spot on the wall. You must have been terrified, which would account for your failure to depart through the window that I opened for you. I was only trying to nudge you in that direction; the loss of your leg was a tragic accident, for which I take full responsibility.

Had I been in complete possession of my ordinary self-control, I would have gently removed you from the shower and carried you outside. But it was rather late, and my judgment may have been a little impaired by my surprise at your unexpected appearance. And then there was the small matter of your unfortunate resemblance to the dreaded Brown Recluse. You do have the same long legs. And the same little brown body. And you are rather large for an arachnid. Most spiders of my acquaintance are slightly smaller than a frisbee. When you charged toward me like that, I failed to recognize the universal symbol for "Hi, let's be friends." I am afraid I mistook it for the universal symbol for "Hi, I am a huge, scary, poisonous spider and I'm going to bite you." Again, my fault entirely.

My behavior was inexcusable. I do not expect you to forgive me--what I did was unforgivable. But I do hope you will be able to find it in your heart to accept my most humble and sincere apologies for squishing you like that.

With deepest regrets,

Suzanne

20 comments:

Suzanne said...

You are so funny! Ugh! Gives me shivers just thinking about it.......

Bea said...

This cracked me up! Along with Harlot's spider story they provided some much needed laughs! Thanks for the blog comment on our incident, Robby is feeling much better today and years later when he's a teenager and being bad, the phrase "acting like he's got something up his ass" will take on much more significance!

kmkat said...

LOL!

sophanne said...

I'm assuming you weren't physically injured in anyway? It sounded very dangerous and hysterical

Lydee said...

Ha! My husband wanted to know what was so funny as I'm laughing histerically! Espec the part about the detour down the crack!

Sarah said...

Man if I had a nickle for every spider apology letter I've had to send...

Seriously, you are are one funny spinner! My friend was just talking about having a spider frighten her away. She HEARD it before she saw it. How big do the have to be to rustle blinds?

I would have reacted in exactly the same way.

Patty said...

Thanks for the great laugh!

Sharon said...

You are sooo much nicer than I am. The spider I found in the bathtub last night? Unceremoniously grabbed with a wad of tissue, given a "burial at sea" and promptly forgotten. How polite of you, writing a letter and all! ;)

MelissaKnits said...

EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!
It deserved to die. Don't be confused by it's eyeballs tearing up as you sent it to it's proper doom. They're a bunch of actos, those spiders!

sophanne said...

yea- don't be confused by it's eyeballs- ALL EIGHT OF THEM!

Kristin said...

In fairness you opened a window for it to get out to safety. If it wasn't willing to get out then you really had no choice.

sophanne said...

Clearly that spider was a suicide bomber. He had to know (once he ignored the window) that he wouldn't make it out alive.

Kim said...

Too funny! I wouldn't even have thought to open a window for the spider especially if it crawled down my ass crack! Glad it wasn't a brown recluse!

uberstrickenfrau said...

Oh yeah, they definate need to die if they go down the crack! Yuck. Just the thought gives me the heeba-jeebas.

Maureen said...

Thank you for the chance to have a chuckle

5elementknitr said...

*wheezing with laughter!*

Spiders never bothered me until I was bit by a brown recluse (http://5elementknitr.blogspot.com/2007/03/spiderboys.html). Now I squish most of them.

Mrs. H said...

Ok... I may never go near a shower without a spider squishing weapon again! Serious shivers of revulsion and fear going on here. But thanks for the laugh. LOL

Haley said...

hillarious post! don't worry, you were entirely not at fault. i once had a meeting with a cave cricket (some people call them wolf crickets--think of a mix between a spider and a cricket--gross, huh?) in the shower. it then had a meeting with a bottle of Prell. I did not feel guilty. I did not apologize. Long, jumping insects do not belong with my poor naked defenseless body.

Laura said...

I am so sorry I was away when this was posted! What a funny creative entry!! We are living in a rental house that we will buy in 3 weeks. The landscaping is totally over grown and a home to dozens of spiders that seem to insist on visiting the very person in the house most freaked out by them - my daughter. The very first day we own this house I have the landscaper coming to take down all those vines and shrubs. bye bye spiders!

Leslie said...

This was funnier than some standup monologes by big name talent! Perhhaps another career for you? Can I be your manager?